


The Sue, Like, Totally Doesn't Awaken

by theway



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Criticism, Gen, Mary Sue, Memes, Parody, Sarcasm, Social Justice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 11:53:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6517585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theway/pseuds/theway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A retelling of every scene featuring Rey, with emphasis on how she, like, totally isn't a Mary Sue. I was told this would annoy tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sue, Like, Totally Doesn't Awaken

**Author's Note:**

> This work is an oneshot, so it won't receive updates. To receive notifications about new works and chapters, you can subscribe to [this RSS feed](https://vas.neocities.org/etc/ao3_works_feed.xml) or [my profile](/users/theway).

A Disney acquisition ago, on a planet that is totally not Tattooine, a poor, innocent young girl is slaving away as a scavenger of imperial ships. Water is scarce, and material that isn't dust or sand is even more scarce, in his giant Sahara desert of a planet. This is totally how habitable planets work, and a monobiomic arid environment would totally make this planet attractive to passers-by.

The scavenger is our protagonist. We know she's our protagonist, because she removes her protective headgear in the midst of a sandstorm so she can sip on some water, and then refuses to put it back on as she travels across the wasteland on a hoverbike. Although this would be painful for any normal person, she's protected from the agonising sensation of sand against her eyeballs and face because she's a main character.

At last, she finds her way to an outpost built on a wide, open area that is incredibly susceptible to catastrophic sandstorms, but our director knows fuck all about how deserts work so please ignore these subtle details. We're too busy pouring billions into Chinese CGI intern slave labour wages to read three paragraphs of Wikipedia, or maybe pay one of the hundreds of people who survive in hostile environments for a living.

The junk she has collected has to be cleaned. She makes eye contact with an old woman who is also cleaning junk. Could this be her when she grows up? The message is about as subtle as a Zack Snyder film. If only our heroine could somehow get out of this place...

She approaches the obese, greedy, degenerate, masculine slave-owner with a big nose (OGDMSOBN) to sell him her goods. OGDMSOBN is absolutely not a stereotype. You should not pay any attention to OGDMSOBN's characteristics. Don't think about all the other slave-owners you've met in this universe, who are also obese, greedy, degenerate, masculine, and have big noses. There is totally not a pattern here and we are totally not refusing to address it. Why would you want diversity in slave-owning? The only slave-owners that exist are obese, greedy, degenerate, masculine, and have big noses.

"I am going to sell you my wares," our protagonist says. "You're the only trader on this entire planet, so I will accept whatever price you name. Planets have a surface area of insane proportions, so the fact that you're able to control the entire economy from a random outpost is totes believable, and I'm not incredibly dumb for believing it."

"Hmm, I'm obese, greedy, degenerate, and masculine. Oh, I also have a big nose," OGDMSOBN says. "This is why I'll pay you in starvation wages. Because if you're so hungry you can't even get out of bed properly, that'll inspire you to work harder. One quarter portion."

Our protagonist looks at the miserable pay, and takes it begrudgingly. "Oh, well," she concedes. "It doesn't really matter anyway, because while it's implied you treat me poorly, I show no signs of malnutrition or abuse. In fact, my skin is perfect and my form is athletic. I'm not sure how that could be; maybe main characters subsist on sunlight? Anyway, nobody would want to see me being miserable, so I guess it's all for the better."

Returning to her home, our protagonist prepares the shit food she has to live on. Using a sharp metal pen-like instrument, she draws a line on the wall, symbolising the days since her parents went out for a short trip to the convenience store for some smokes and beer. They'll be back any day now. A normal person would totally not get the hint already.

She eats her dinner outside, then puts on a pilot's helmet, symbolising how much she wants to fly out into space. This is exactly why she's never attempted to. If only she could pilot a spaceship, or could easily get her hands on a spaceship, or something... Unfortunately, she has to wait for the director's cue in order to make a decision and drive her story forward, which is why she's been stranded on this planet for ages.

She hears ruckus in the distance. This is something unusual in these parts, apparently, so she tries to see what's up. Lo and behold! It's a slaver of robots! He roams these lands, looking for wild robots to enslave! However, that robot looks very cute, and it's important to the plot, and she knows that telepathically because she's a main character, so she convinces him out of his slaving business. The slaver of robots accepts this without telling her to fuck off or attacking her or something, because her tongue is so silver it would make Lelouch vi Britannia sound like a Down's Syndrome sufferer.

As the slaver of robots leaves, she explains the events that have transpired to the robot. Besides the slaver of robots' native language, she can also speak Robot, because of course she does. Her long days of scavenging imperial ships have made her an expert mechanic, because that's how mechanical engineering works.

"I AM A ROBOT, AND I AM IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT. I'VE LITERALLY JUST MET YOU AND I LIKE YOU. I HAVE AN INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT DOCUMENT WITH ME THAT COULD CHANGE THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE, SO PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU, TOTAL STRANGER," the robot says.

"I am the main character, but throughout this film I'm supposed to pretend I don't want to be the main character, so I'll play hard to get and refuse to hang around with you."

"LISTEN UP, BITCH, YOU NEED ME AROUND FOR COMIC RELIEF, SO YOU BETTER DROP THE ACT AND KEEP ME AROUND LIKE A PET."

"K fine."

* * *

Another day, another round of scavenged shit to sell. The protagonist returns to OGDMSOBN's outpost with her goods, but this time she has the comic relief robot with her.

"Hmm, would you look at this robot? I'm so greedy that I'm a total sellout to the First Order. I'm going to pay you an obscene amount of food for this robot that I know is vitally important to my Sith masters," OGDMSOBN says.

"Cool story, bro, but all your comic relief are belong to me," the main character replies.

"Shit, dude. I guess I'll give up now. I will totally not overpower you immediately and coerce you into selling the robot. If I acted like a self-aware character, this film would already be over. See ya later!" OGDMSOBN says and ragequits life.

* * *

A few minutes have gone by, and two evil, masked masculine muggers assault our protagonist. However, our protagonist happens to be a martial arts expert, the likes of which we haven't seen since Bruce Lee. Her opponents have the element of surprise, have greater numbers, and put her in a compromising position, but she's still able to overpower them using the l33t ass-kicking main character skills she's picked up roaming the arid wastelands, using her well-honed muscles she's built while starving most of her life, and having a beautiful, feminine body with less muscle and bone density than a man's. Someone convince her to start her own dojo please.

She recovers her compromised comic relief robot, and that's when the two of them notice the token pock. The token pock is... well, how should I phrase this? He's urban. I mean, he's a very ghetto fellow. He looks like the kind of guy that would go around stealing people's jackets. This is totally not a stereotype. Anyway, our protagonist does what every sensible person would, and immediately assaults the guy, dropping him to the floor. The guy, trained in combat his entire life, his fine body honed for the trials and tribulations of war, is immediately overpowered by a random scavenger nobody, despite being our other main character. That's because the primary main character is just that powerful. As I've said, she really needs to get this dojo going.

"Dude, like, what the fuck, man?" the token pock says.

"You stole this jacket from the comic relief robot's master!" our protagonist explains.

"Look, I've had enough of these motherfucking racist stereotypes up this motherfucking film. Just because I've suntanned more than you have doesn't mean I've spent most of my childhood in juvenile detention. Anyway, I've just met you, and I instantly like you, so I'm going to tell you all about what's going on."

"Alright, thanks!"

No sooner had those words exited our protagonist's mouth than the First Order had noticed them.

"Oh, no!" they both exclaim.

"RUN, BITCHES, RUN!" the comic relief robot screams.

Our protagonists follow the comic relief robot's advice and make a run for it. Or, well, one of them does; the token pock sticks around because he's taken a liking to her. They try to find a spaceship so they can escape the First Order's strike team. They're on foot, and they're up against trained stormtroopers and spaceships with tracking devices, which are incapable of landing even a single shot on the main characters! That's because the main characters run straight forward, without any attempt at dodging, which as we all know is very difficult to predict. This is totally how warfare works.

Unfortunately, the ship they were going for is blown into pieces. Ships are really big, so it's hard to miss them, even if you're a stormtrooper. Fortunately, stormtroopers can only actually hit things if the director allows for it, so they don't land a single hit on the Millennium Falcon while the protagonists run for it, try to figure out how it works, and start piloting it.

As it so happens, our protagonist is also an expert pilot. These are the expert piloting skills she's picked up wearing dusty old helmets and imagining flying off this planet. Finally she has permission from the director to put those skills to use, instead of rotting away on planetary scale Sahara deserts. She has difficulty piloting this strange new antiquated machine she's just put her hands on for two minutes tops, after which she's able to match the flying skills of professional pilots who've spent their entire lives training.

After destroying the First Order's strike team, which is conveniently only two spaceships, our protagonist discovers the half-destroyed Millennium Falcon might explode!

"Oh, no!" the token pock exclaims. "What is going on?"

"We're all going to die if I don't fix the leakage soon," our protagonist explains. "Fortunately, as the main character, I also happen to be an expert in engineering, because scavenging, engineering, and piloting are all intimately related, and that's how engineering works. Using my main character skills, I now have complete knowledge of this spaceship that I've just entered and hadn't even heard of before, and I will proceed to surgically fix it, because that's how error detection works."

"Alright! Great! It sure is convenient having a main character by one's side, eh? By the way, what's your name?"

"I'm Mary Su—I mean, I'm the main character! I'm not a Mary Sue! My name is not Mary, and my other name isn't Sue. Why would you think of that? That's kinda sexist, tbh. I'm just a normal scavenger girl who is pretty, young, and a master at everything the plot requires so that I never have to be challenged. Also, everybody likes me! So, disregard every dubious thing you see."

"Oh, yeah, I like you so much, main character. In fact, it's implied I'm going for some sort of romantic revelation in this scene, but, alas, this spontaneous crush I've developed on this absolute nobody I've just met has to be postponed, because Hal Solo has arrived."

"Hi guys, what's up?" Han Solo says, pointing a blaster in their direction.

"WOOKIE STUFF!" the Wookie says.

"Oh, hi Solo, and Wookie!" the main character says. "I've just met you, but you look like reputable fellows. Also, I speak Wookie, because of course I do!"

"Would you look at that?" Han says. "It appears I've got a main character on deck. Finding you piloting my ship doesn't make me suspicious at all. In fact, I instantly like you, because you have some sort of undeniable main character charm about you. Isn't that right, old pal?"

"I LIKE THE MAIN CHARACTER. I SEE NO ISSUE WITH TRUSTING HER WITH MY LIFE IMMEDIATELY."

There's been a little too much character development, so we'll have to interrupt this lovely, extremely realistic scene with another scene that is totally not filler crap meant to pad out the film. It's completely necessary and teaches us lots of things we already knew about Han Solo. TL;DR: our protagonist momentarily fucks up, putting token pock in lethal danger, but worry not! She immediately solves the problem by accidentally running by a door control panel. Then our group leaves for Greenpeace planet.

"Ah, finally back in control of the ship I know and love," Han says. His buttocks have hardly adjusted to the soft, decomposing seat when the engine goes on overdrive and is about to explode. "Oh no! We're all going to die! I panic and fail to do anything!"

"Worry not, for I've already familiarised myself with the Millennium Falcon," our protagonist assures him. "I will instantly fix the problem and shove it in your face."

"Huh. Looks legit."

* * *

The gang has finally landed on Greenpeace planet. Like with Totally Not Tattooine, Greenpeace is also a monobiomic planet, but this time it's a jungle. Han Solo and our protagonist walk out and have a breath of fresh air, after being confined in a dusty old spaceship for god knows how long.

"Look, I'm just going to be straight up with you," Han says. "You're the main character, and I'm just some dude from two trilogies ago. There's no contest."

"That's right. Move over, gramps!" our protagonist says.

"I'm going to hand over the Falcon to you, because I've just met you, and you look very cool. Also, here's a blaster; you've never used one, so I'm sure nothing could possibly go wrong."

"Fuck yeah! Blasters! Things! Boom boom!" our protagonist yells, randomly shooting lasers in all directions. "Man, I bet this is how the world would look like if there were no gun regulations anywhere! Just random kids who've never touched lethal weaponry blasting everything!"

The forest is aflame behind them due to being shot with superheated lasers, but they have no time for that; they need to go to the temple of the exotic alien asian. Her temple doubles as a bar, and it's filled with all sorts of shady characters, but somehow it's considered a safe place to discuss vital matters and reveal the comic relief robot in their possession.

"Hi there, Han. Long time no see! You've got company," the exotic alien asian says.

"Hey there, exotic alien asian. I've brought some main characters with me," Han says.

"Oh my, would you look at that? My suspicions are completely eliminated and I lower my guard."

"I'd like you to deliver the comic relief robot to my wife."

"PICKLES!" the comic relief robot says, translating Fire Emblem: Fates.

"No, I won't. What do you think I am, FedEx? LOL."

"I will now momentarily wuss out and leave this place for the outer ring," the token pock says. "I'm an urban guy on the run from the authorities. This is not a stereotype."

"I disagree with your decision but I'm having auditory hallucinations so I won't argue further," our protagonist says. Following these hallucinations, she finds herself in some sort of shady basement. It's filled with containers, but one in particular calls out to her main character senses, and BEHOLD! Inside it is a lightsaber! THE HYPE! THE AWESOME!

She grabs it, but then she has a mysterious flashback to her traumatic past. She's had the world's biggest abandonment issues ever since her parents went on that convenience store trip like a decade ago or something. This makes us sympathise with her plight for a little while, but don't worry, audience: her trauma won't interfere with her ability to solve problems at all. Her problems are important enough for us to show them, but not big enough to actually matter.

The exotic alien asian finds the foreigner in her storage room, playing with her most important, expensive treasure. However, she's not angry and suspicious at all, because she's the main character, and she likes her a lot.

"Oh, hey, main character," the exotic alien asian says. "That's a lightsaber. Using my Buddhist magic, which is not a stereotype, I know what's up with your past, so here's what's gonna happen: go to the convenience store yourself, you dumb fuck. Also, I'll give you this lightsaber for free, because I like you and trust you immediately despite just having met you."

"NO NO NO!" our protagonist screams. "Shut up! Why are you people acting that way? It's hardly been 20 minutes since we met, and you're already giving me a historical item of godlike legacy? I've had it with this film! I'm resigning! Go find another actor!"

"No, wait, don't go! We need you, main character! The drama, the woe, the angst!"

Our protagonist escapes to the forest, still on fire after shooting it earlier. The fires have coalesced into some kind of native American tribal smoke signal for the First Order, saying "Please save us! There's too many tropes in this film!" Naturally, stormtroopers arrive to do their bidding, and also happen to locate her. Our protagonist needs to do something about it, so of course she uses Han's blaster that she's never used before. She misses a grand total of one (1) time, before killing the stormtrooper. She also kills the other stormtroopers in his squad, because her life of scavenging have made her an expert in combat, more so than trained pro soldiers.

Our antagonist decides enough is enough, and it's about time he showed up. He lights up his ominous red lightsaber with the world's most impractical wrist-cutting guard. He promptly finds our protagonist and overpowers her. Instead of looking for the comic relief robot that this whole ordeal is supposed to be about, he instead acts like the dumbest of fucks, because the director wants him to. He takes the protagonist with him on his spaceship and they leave Greenpeace planet.

* * *

When our protagonist awakes, she's in our antagonist's BDSM dungeon, being interrogated.

"I am the bad guy, trained from a young age in the dark arts, and a total Sith lord, probably the strongest this franchise has ever seen. I'm a really mysterious figure trying to imitate Darth Vader," our antagonist says.

"I'm the main character!" our protagonist exclaims.

"What of it?"

"Don't you find yourself, like, a little bit infatuated with me?"

"IDK. Maybe? I do feel the directorial input emanating from your every orifice."

"Alright, so please remove your helmet that obviously means a lot to you."

"You are a total stranger I've just met, a scavenger who means less than nothing, so this is a very sensible thing to do," he says as he removes he helmet. "Now that this realistic scene has played out, I will proceed to mindfuck you, a mindfuckery that has made even the resistance's most elite pilot succumb, for I am a Sith lord."

"I have had absolutely no training, but I resist your mindfuckery and mindfuck you back! Ha ha! You wear pink panties! Sissy boy!"

"Oh, no! The main character is strong in this one! I must get out of here, before she starts shooting lasers from her eyes!" our antagonist says, tears flowing down his cheeks, leaving the room and reaching for his iPod to listen to some scene kid music.

Our protagonist is alone in the BDSM dungeon with just a stormtrooper to guard her. Using her extensive training from scavenging on a desert planet her entire life, she Jedi mind tricks the stormtrooper into untying her and quickly escapes.

* * *

Our protagonist sneaks around the well-guarded First Order base without being noticed. This universe has enough technology for intergalactic travel and lightsabers, but cameras are a bit of a problem. Or sensors of any kind, really. Also, doors open without any level of clearance, because that's how elite security works. Anyway, she eventually regroups with the old gang: the token pock, the comic relief robot, Han Solo, and the Wookie.

"Oh, hi, guys. What's up?"

"Main character?" token pock says, agape. Then he remembers she's the main character. "Wow, I should've figured you'd manage to escape on your own. Truly, the main character cannot afford even a single moment of weakness."

"Exactly. I don't even know why you showed up, tbh. You should've stayed put, and waited for me to explode this planet on my own. No feat is too difficult if you're a main character."

"You don't say? How about saving Han Solo from being impaled by his son, then?"

Our protagonist looks at this beloved character dying a tragic death, then shrugs. "Meh. I'm too busy being awesome to save you plebs."

"WORD," comic relief robot says.

"Alright, I'm tired. Can we get out of here and roll credits please?" our protagonist says.

Somehow the Wookie and the comic relief robot are separated from our protagonist and the token pock, so the two of them make out of the First Order base, and finally meet with our antagonist.

"This movie is extremely dumb, and it's taking too much time out of my busy schedule of listening to My Chemical Romance all day," our antagonist announces. "I'll kill you both with my Sith lord skills and move on." With but a flick of his finger, our protagonist is crushed against a tree and falls unconscious.

By the time she wakes up, the token pock has been overpowered and dropped the lightsaber in the snow. For the record, this planet also happens to be a monobiomic Siberia, because that's how planets work. Our antagonist is trying to get the lightsaber with telekinesis, but it's proving very difficult for him despite previously throwing our protagonist up against a tree like it was nothing. Our protagonist channels the deep knowledge of the Force scavengers usually have, and calls the lightsaber to her hand instead.

"OH, COME ON!" our antagonist screams. "This doesn't even make sense! How could you possibly justify doing that? What's gonna happen next, I'm going to be bested in single combat without inflicting a single wound?"

"Joke's on you, bad guy. As a scavenger, I'm incredibly skilled in quarterstaff combat. I've even defeated some noobs on the desert two-on-one! These skills obviously translate well to lightsaber combat, which is an instrument the likes of which the world has never seen, with completely balancing and cutting technique, requiring years and years of specialised training to use without hurting oneself. As thus, a fully trained Sith lord ought to be no problem whatsoever. Just look!"

Our protagonist jumps in the air, spins around 42 times, and does an insane Qui-gon / Obi-wan / Super Saiyan 3 Son Goku combo move that tears the earth assunder. Our antagonist is not Darth Maul, so he's not cut in half, but the planet has no such luck. Our antagonist looks our protagonist in the eye in disbelief, then drops his lightsaber and admits defeat.

"You can leave now as I slit wrists and die alone. I don't want to live on this planet any more. What's the point trying if the director's just gonna pull plot twists out of his arse and undo all my hard work? The First Order's better off Death Starring itself."

"Alright, TTYL on AO3 Reylo fics, baby!" our protagonist says, kissing her hand, before spontaneously summoning the Millennium Falcon like a keyblade and leaving the planet just in time before it explodes, not even looking at it as it turns into a sun. Remember: cool gals don't look at explosions.

* * *

Our protagonist returns to the Resistance base, meeting with general Leia for the first time.

"Hi, main character," Leia says. "I've heard all about you. I've just met you, and I instantly love and trust you. The Resistance will now give you an ultra secret mission despite being a random scavenger that's not part of our ranks: to find Luke again, and you'll go all alone. I know he's my brother and all, but it would take away from your screen time if I saw him. I mean, it's not like our relationship was a major part of the original trilogy or whatever. I'll just move over and let you do your main character things."

Our protagonist accepts this call, and she also wins the lottery eleven times in a row and is elected president of the universe so that she can buy her own personal army and single-handledly destroy the First Order, or at least the parts that haven't committed seppuku yet. She doesn't know what the future holds in store for her, but what she does know is that she has this inexplicable urge to stare at Luke for like two hours straight as the credits roll and endless buzzfeed / everyday feminism / jezebel articles proclaim her the most sacred of feminist cows, much better than bland snoozefests like Xena, Furiosa, and Avatar Korra. She will be an inspiration for a generation of young girls: to be indestructible main characters with no personality, development, or flaws, who overcome every obstacle without effort, and who are liked by everyone immediately.

Because that's how humans work.

**Author's Note:**

> The prequels are my favourite trilogy. I'm not joking. Jar Jar for life.


End file.
